a podcast by Pawlean

The growth in break-ups

August 05, 2020 Pauline Narvas Season 1 Episode 1
a podcast by Pawlean
The growth in break-ups
Show Notes Transcript

I asked on Instagram which you wanted to hear first, and this was the #1 choice. There is growth in breakups, who knew? Enjoy!


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Hello, my friends, it's Pauline here, your host for the podcast by Pauline. 

Before we start, I just wanted to say a massive thank you for all the support over the past few days. Since launching this podcast, I've received an overwhelming amount of love that has genuinely just made my heart sing. I'm so happy that you're all super hyped as I am. 

I wanted to make sure that this podcast is driven by what you want to hear as much as possible. So today's episode is actually going to be about breakups. I actually put two options on my Instagram story and 80% of you voted for this one, as opposed to an episode about COVID which is obviously understandable. So here we go. 

Relationships, PHEW! Tough one. So this might be a little heavy for the first episode, but we're just gonna go with it. And you know, you might be wondering why I even wanted to talk about breakups at all. 

Because after all, it's such an easy subject that people tend to just want to avoid at all costs. And it's understandably so. Although I believe that we should always move forwards rather than looking back. I also tend to see that there is something really quite nice in taking a step back to reflect so many things change for the better or for the worst, but the best part of it all, is that the fact is things change. And although like change is scary and uncomfortable, I honestly believe that change is the secret ingredient for growth. Now, this isn't me implying that you should, if you're in a relationship already break up for a bit of change. No, please don't do that. And don't say them. Don't say the reason is because you listen to this episode. I think what I'm trying to get out is, it's more about accepting change when he hits you in the face unexpectedly, like with breakups. So COVID-19 actually got me reflecting a lot about my past relationships, including my previous romantic ones. Above reflection is always always very healthy. I'm very good. We all need some life lessons sometimes. And no matter how much the process of learning, those lessons suck, it's still really important to go through them. My breakups were the best thing that ever happened to me. During the time, obviously, it didn't feel like at all. It actually felt like the worst thing that could ever happen. And to be honest, every single time I was broken up with I catastrophize that that was it. My life was over. I know, super dramatic, but it just genuinely felt like that was each and every time. Yep, even those like casual relationships that lasted about two weeks. Those still stung really, really bad. When one of my like casual boyfriends in quotation marks of like two weeks broke up with me. I spent the next month playing sad love songs on my mp3 player, about like 14 years old. It was really silly, but I think young love is silly. Obviously, the longer I was with someone, the more it hurt really bad. I've been into long term serious relationship. In the past, I'm not talking about my current relationship at all that's very happy and healthy right now. But when I think back to those two long term serious relationships, I remember how when they ended, it was the most devastating thing ever. It was the type where my world felt like it was just ending. It was the type where I couldn't even get out of bed. And all I wanted to do was watch ROM coms, and eat Ben and Jerry's all day after being rejected by someone you loved and admired. It can feel like it's impossible to get back on. My previous relationship pushed me down to the lowest low, but it was that one that really changed me because it made me confront some really tough truths. When people from my past life like schools, communities and university, approached me and tell me, oh my god, you've changed a lot since the last time I saw you. I always liked laughs a little bit to myself because, honestly, the thing, the only difference between the time they spoke to me last, and then now is the fact that I got my shit together. And that was driven by my breakup. 

Now that I look back four ish years since that breakup was hands down the best thing that ever happened to me, you see it all the time in romantic films where people get their shit together after a breakup. For me, it was the motivation to reset my life. 

Along the way, I learned a lot about myself about others, and generally about love and relationships. I've learned a lot from all my past relationships, and I could go on about every single lesson I picked up. But I think I'll talk about three key things. And these are the most important ones that define my relationships right now and how I approach them. 

Number one, relationship are like they are on social media, or films. In some of my early relationships, especially the two previous long term relationships I was in, I was so immature or being that immature or in such a committed relationship wasn't a good idea. I had no idea what I was doing. And I had these crazy high expectations that I got from social media and Disney films. Because of this influence. I felt like if I wasn't 110% happy in my relationships all the time 24 seven, then there must be something wrong. And because of that, I felt like I was more demanding was more dependent and to be honest, now I reflect back I feel like I must have been really difficult to to be with. I think the dependency part is also important to talk about I was dependent on this other person for my happiness, validation and just pretty much Everything, and that is just not realistic at all. And that's really unhealthy. Today, I'm in a happy, healthy relationship where upon reflection of my previously failed relationships, I now know that Matt is there for me, I know that Matt makes me happy. But at the same time, even though I do tend to go for him for like, advice and a little bit of validation, I think everyone does it with their partners, even though I sort of still seek that to an extent, I'm more confident now on myself, I'm more confident that I could make myself happy. I'm confident that I can validate myself and be like, actually, I'm doing a great job. So I don't really have to depend on Matt for everything. It's actually really freeing because now I'm confident in myself. You don't want to depend on one person, for everything you need to be. He needs to be able to stand on your own two feet, and just be Probably happy about it. Basically, don't base your whole relationship on what social media tells you or what Disney films tell you, or what from comms tell you because at the end of the day, that's not realistic. 

A second thing I learned from my breakups was the fight. But being single isn't the end of the world. And I think we just need to normalise this. You know what, let me say again, being single isn't the end of the world. No one needs to be in a relationship all the time. In fact, that extra space of being alone is so vital for your own sanity and growth. I always used to feel like I needed to be in a relationship all the time. After my first relationship. I and then that broke down. It was like a two week relationship. After that, I was always like, Oh my god, I need a boyfriend. I was always searching for a boyfriend. I was always looking for Just waiting, and always talking about it. But I felt like that's just unhealthy because again, it links back to the fact that I always depended on someone else. And it felt like I was trying to find someone just to be with someone so i'd feel less alone. I don't think it was until my last failed relationship where I actually took the time to be by myself for a bit. So I didn't just jump from another relationship to another one just like that. I actually took the time to myself. And you know what, reflecting back at that time, it was actually one of the best times of my life because I appreciated the time alone. I learned more about myself. I grew as a person. After my last breakup, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my goals because I hadn't looked at like properly looked at what I wanted from life. I just always focused on us and we are going to do what's going to happen, like for us to work and stuff like that. And I actually haven't done any real planning on what I want to do in the future, which is insane, especially like, if you talk to me today because I'm always, always got plans and goals that I want to reach for me. So that time was really beneficial. And you know, I always think back to how, like, if that breakup didn't happen, I feel like I'd still be in that exact same mindset. I'd still be like, Oh, I still need someone to be with I depend on them. I need this to be happy. And I would always be playing for us. Where are we going to go next? What are we going to do together? Like once you finish uni, what am I going to do? How can we move in and all of this, when in actual fact, I just wanted to focus on myself and you know that that time alone and being single for it was quite a long time before I met smart. That was the most amazing Using time I, you know, I took up running, I took up the gym, which is and you know, health and fitness, which is now a huge part of everything I do. And I really changed my mindset, and I just became more positive person and just better to be with. So really appreciate being single. And yeah, I think we just need to normalise it because people and society always say that you must be in a relationship, otherwise you're a failure, when in actual fact, that's not the case. 

And thirdly, you cannot force someone to love you, no matter how hard you try. So girl, don't bag and this is coming from experience. Because when one of my actually when both my long term relationships ended, I literally begged for them to stay. And it's actually really cringy. Now I think back to it, but I think for me, it was just that same it just links back 2.1 and two where I was like, I can't be alone. If you leave me, I'll be alone. And that's not great. So I wish I could like just go back and tell myself that actually have some self respect. Love yourself, take a step back and see that because they don't want you anymore or you know that it's not working out, it doesn't mean that you're any less of a person. Again, links back to how just because you're single now and you're not with someone, it doesn't mean you're less of a person. You know, I'm so glad it actually panned out because I'm glad I'm alone, because I'm glad I got some alone time to really grow as a person. And you know, I think it taught me a lot about self love, and how you can't always depend on someone to love you. You have to love yourself before anyone can even get close to loving you. 

I just feel like this episode has been a lot of me just basically talking through that little mixed shout out to my ex number that was one of the best songs and then dropped at the exact same time as this all happened to me. And it was it was perfect timing. It was like my go to jam at the gym. It was fantastic. I get it just helped me get those like heavy sets in because I was like, it wasn't anger, it was more just like that feeling of rejection. And I just wanted to get it out of my body. So I was like, I'm gonna exercise and listen to this song and it should. It was just the best thing ever. All in all, just to conclude this episode. I just want to say like as the four ladies of Little Mix said I couldn't have said it better myself. Sometimes. It's just time to let go. And that's okay. hiccups suck. But eventually, day by day, it gets better. And you start to see the opportunity that was there the whole time. But you couldn't really see it when you were in a relationship where you were wearing rose tinted glasses. Now reflect back a couple of years. To those relationships. I'm really just so glad that they happened. I'm so glad that they really drove me to change. They drove me to growth. They drove me in the right direction where I was always wanting to be, but I was just too scared to go there because it was outside of my comfort zone. See breakups as a growing opportunity and give yourself time to heal. It's okay if it takes you a few weeks, a few months or even a few years. That's completely okay. I think different people heal in different ways and in some cases, including Myself, there are still some areas that I feel like I need to do a lot more peeling. And I think it was just hurts and trauma from previous relationships. But that's something I can go into in a different episode. I hope that you enjoyed this first real episode of a podcast by Pauline. Things got really deep here, but hopefully it sets out a vibe for the rest of these podcasts. In other words, we go and get real personal. So sit tight. 

Thank you again for all the support. And if you want to continue this conversation, like Tell me about your breakups. Talk me through them. I'm right here to listen, you can find me on social media Twitter @paulienuh,  Instagram @paw.lean. And on my blog pawlean.com. 

Have a great rest of your day and I'll see you in the next episode.